Meltdowns, Tantrums, and Rages Part 1.

Before we had our daughter diagnoised we use to have rages, tantrums, and meltdowns several times a day. Seriously. They were long, loud, and I didn’t always handle myself properly. I couldn’t help my own daughter when she was in this state. Eventually her rages were so bad, we had to resort to medication. I felt horrible about this, however nothing else would help her… and with the medication it basically made her very sleepy. It wasn’t pretty… and I won’t sugar coat the experience. I had to essentially hold her down and make her take a pill. It was horrible and my heart broke for my beautiful daughter. When this occured it would take everything from me. I always felt like I had nothing left to give after these situations, however, when you have other children… it’s not so simple, so I had to hid my emotions from my other children. It was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done. I remember feeling tons of emotions. Sad- for my daughter, anger, worry.. I physically would become tired after dealing with a rage because it would take so much out of me. I felt so horrible for my daughter because if I felt this way, and I wasn’t experiening the rage… how on earth did she feel?? I know a hell of a lot worse than me. I can’t even begin to think of how difficult these experiences were for her. Usually, when these occured we would go to our local children’s hospital. ( I am not even going there right now … that’s definetly going to be a blog all it’s own).

I am writing this in parts because if you can understand the differences between meltdowns, tantrums, and rages I feel it will give you a better understanding of a child with high functioning autism. Let me tell you this- A child doesn’t want to get this out of control. A child doesn’t think it’s fun to get their parent to the point where they sit on their bedroom floor and cry uncontrollably. A child does not choose to get to the point where at 7, they feel like they would be better off dead. So lets start there. These situations are not brought on because a child is “bad”. These situations are brought on because, as for my daughter… she struggled with knowing her own feelings, thoughts, actions. She went from 0-100 in a second. She didn’t know how to calm down, she couldn’t do anything except- express how she felt… and the expressions often came with agression, loud yelling, spitting, upset/ scared siblings, and exhausted parents.

Let’s start with tantrums. I feel like this is a popular word most people understand. Being a parent with a daughter on the spectrum, I often will hear this word from people when my daughter is losing control of her emotions. Looking back (a few years) my daughter had tantrums, most kids do. There were things she would want, and couldn’t have, and sometimes she didn’t like that! When my daughter was in calm state, and she wanted something she couldn’t have, yes absoolutely she could have a tantrum, just like any other child. However, because my daughter struggle with reasoning, and not understanding her feelings or emotions… it would go from a tantrum to more than that very quickly. I couldn’t tell what my daughter was experiecing, and often I would think she just started with a rage.

Tantrums for us are when my daughter wants something and can’t have it, or wants to do something (usually right away) and can’t. It is usually not too intense,(for us anyway), but if not helped right away it can lead to more. A tantrum these days may consist of, her having a great idea.. but it just doesn’t work for the family that day/time. If you can see the tantrum from her point of view, you could see why she would be upset. She makes a wonferful fun plan in her mind, that would bring her lots of joy. She tells me this plan (usually consists of spending money), and even though she took the time to tell me this plan, and give me good reasons, she is told no. For people who do not understand high functioning autism, or for those who may think my daughter is “spoiled” and thowing a fit, this is when tantrums go further. She needs to understand exactly why we can’t do what she wants, and she needs help making her idea a plan when it works for everyone. From years of hard work, research, and keeping track of issues, I now can fully tell when my daughter is having a tantrum. Infact, she has them ALL THE TIME. I would go as far as to say she has tantrums between 1-4 times a day. It all depends on her mood, my mood, how she is spoken to, and whats going on around her. When I notice my child at the start of a tantrum, I take her to a quiet place, let her explain herself, and help her figure out a solution. Here is a strong example of something that would cause a trantrum for my daughter.

Daughter: (Spends time in her room making a plan so she can do something to make herself happy, because she is probably “bored”). Comes out with the idea that she is now not going to be bored because of this amazing plan she has created. She may say,”Mom, I was watching a youtube video and they put these really cool beads in their slime. I can’t put the beads they have in my slime because I really love the slime I have now, BUT I NEED to go out and buy more slime stuff AND these beads. It will be the best slime ever! Can we go RIGHT NOW and get all the slime stuff”??? (At this point she is super enthusiastic and eager.

Me: That sounds awesome! I love that plan, lets do it on the weekend! We just bought slime stuff yesterday, so we don’t have money for more slime supplies right now.

Daughter: Tells me 50 reasons why we should go spend money on more slime stuff, and if we can go on the weekend why can’t we go now.

Me: I know you are upset that we can’t buy more slime stuff, play with the stuff you have now, we just went yesterday, and today I am not going out to buy anything.

Daughter: **Now extreamly frusterated, and tantrum has started.**

She doesn’t want to be told no. So, at this point she will usually tell me she hates me, call me names, cry, scream….

It could go one of two ways.

WAY 1- I think before I speak to her, tell her again that I love her plan and that we can do it, it just has to be a day that works for all of us. We make that plan together (even though she is still angry and “hates” me. If she asks again after our final plan making .. I simply say- I have already told you the plan. Getting her to write out the plan often works because she can look at what we will do, she can look on the calendar for the date… she has all the info she needs and no longer needs to repeatedly ask me questions about it, that would further made her worried or upset.

WAY 2- This is the way I use to handle it.. because I didn’t understand my daughters needs before she was diagnosed and I could only try my best. Also, family or friends of the family may handle it this way if they don’t respect your childs diagnosis, or they don’t take the time to educate themselves on your childs dianosis. Child comes to you with said plan, you already bought slime stuff the day before. Child comes to you super excited, however you are annoyed your child doesn’t appreciate the slime stuff you bought yesterday, and now you are upset because you said no, and your child is mad. Now your child took their frustration out on you, dad, brother, sister .. whoever it may be. And now they are in trouble for acting out. And now need a time out… and doesn’t want to because they were bored and thought of this great plan you don’t want to do. So now this tantrum is turning into much more.

Tantrums can be stopped, or helped. There is a reason your child is having a tantrum. As a parent, it is your job to figure it out and help them. Especially when your child doesn’t know how to say- I’m angry, this makes me mad, I don’t understand. For us- it can come out in swear words and yelling. (It’s not okay, and she is getting so much better understanding her emotions) however, if you can see your child getting upset, and help them before they explode, you can help them through a tantrum!

My Daughter at age 6- Grade 1.

 At this point in our life, when our daughter was 6, it was 2015. Our daughter just started grade 1, and her behavior was increasingly difficult at home. She still had a lot of friends at this point, she was social and everyone loved her. She was going into her second year of playing hockey, and this came very natural to her! She was doing great with academics, and her teachers enjoyed having her in class. She didn’t created any issues in class, and was very respectful with any of the teachers at her school. However, as the year went by, her teachers “noticed little things; Such as our daughter being rude to her classmates during free time, lunch, or recess. She didn’t do well when she didn’t have structure. However, people saw it as her doing this because she thought she could get away with things if teachers were not as observant as they are during scheduled classes. During this period, it was usually the other children’s point of view that was told to the teacher. Bailey seemed as if she didn’t care when spoken to, but at this time she could not communicate her feelings or thoughts, especially not enough to defend herself to an adult, after being accused of something. 

During this year, I gave birth to my third daughter. Things were busy at home with the new baby but our daughters loved the baby and helped out anyway they could! Our oldest daughter really cherished the baby and they bonded right away. However, things between our middle child and our oldest (with asd) were not the best. Things my middle child did started to really bother my daughter with asd (all normal developmental things, however our daughter with asd could not handle it).  We had to teach our daughter (with asd) how to play/ talk appropriately to our middle child. 

Parenting my oldest daughter became a challenge. She wanted to do things her way, and if she was told no her reaction could go from yelling and screaming/ saying rude things to us, or just cry and become very emotional.There were also lots of melt downs, and time outs didn’t work. Also, Her interests were a different than her friends. She loved all of the same toy/ games her friends liked, however she had lots of other interests, and these turned into obsessions. Her friends didn’t understand why she would like these interests, and they did not share the same excitement.  Around this time, my daughter really became obsessed with woman giving birth.  I will add this- my daughter had a strong interested in birth and the anatomy of women since she was about 2. It did not start when I was pregnant. She had these amazing thoughts before she was even a sister! But when she did become a sister, the obsession became more intense. 

At this point, it was very hard for our family to take our daughter for long periods of time. Or, situations would occur with family and they wouldn’t know how to deal with it properly. Because of these situations, our daughter would come back from a family visit and sometimes be upset because she was accused of being a ‘certain way’. Or others would interpret her thoughts and ideas as ungrateful…this was frustrating for everyone.  I began a lot (and I mean a lot) of research. I knew these behaviors were not “normal” and slowly, I was finding it very difficult to parent my daughter. It was hard for family because my daughter “looked normal”, so she was expected to “act normal”.

I took my research to the community mental health worker from our local Children’s hospital, who worked at my doctors office. She thought I was losing it. I actually made the suggestion of Autism at some point, she thought this was very far off, and suggested for me to stop all the research. Of course … I didn’t! I needed to figure out how to parent my daughter, so I researched her behaviors and ways to parent kids with the behaviors she was showing. It was so difficult. 

Trying to have someone take us seriously was frustrating and draining. I felt as if I was the only one who knew something was not right with my daughter. I saw my daughter slipping away and regressing, I knew that the way my daughter was, was not her fault. The pain in her eyes when someone didn’t understand her, the hurt I heard in her voice when she couldn’t explain herself but wanted someone to listen. I felt horrible that I couldn’t get her the help she needed, because the professionals didn’t think anything serious was wrong. I was still being told what I should do, to be a better stronger parent. I listened, and did the things they said to do… but we needed more. Much more.

Towards the end of the year, my daughter’s grade 1 teachers started noticing some issues, socially. It was noticed that she couldn’t tell her side of a story because she just couldn’t express herself to the teachers. This became very frustrating for my daughter, and she increasingly felt as if her teachers hated her. She felt as if everyone was out to get her. I had a couple of meetings with her teachers and principal so we could work on better communication between Bailey, her teachers, and myself. Things would happen at school and there would be no record of it in my daughter’s communication book she had to bring home daily. I would actually get upset because the schools communication was terrible. My daughter would come home and tell me a huge story about something that happened, and the school didn’t think that information needed to be shared with me. Thankfully after the few meetings we had, the school did end up sharing a lot of information with me, and I was able to use this to get us started with the help we needed.

One thing that I learned from this year, trying to get help we needed, talking with professionals… is that- you do not have to listen and take their direction! Your child will most likely act differently in a room, in a hospital or doctors office. My daughter knew she was expected to act a certain way in these places. How can professionals see a child for 30 mins and really get much of anything out of them? It is okay to question the professionals working with you and your child. You are the parent, and you know your child best. I encourage any parent to speak up if you feel the professionals in your life are not making the recommendations you feel your child needs. If you talk loud enough and long enough…someone will listen!

Social Masking And Girls With ASD.

My daughter knew how to fit in from a very young age. This is one of the many amazing things my daughter can do. I can talk positive about all of this now because I have so much information and my daughter can now communicate a lot of her feelings. Also, we see a very amazing autism team at our local children’s hospital. But trust me; up until this year things were still extremely hard to understand, and very overwhelming for my daughter and our family. 

So what is social masking? Social masking is where a person, like my high functioning autistic daughter, can “act” and make themselves fit in. It is not forced, and looks very natural. Which is the goal. Girls are amazing at observing and seeing how people act in a social setting. My daughter knew there were expectations, socially, so she would watch and observe what others did, and she did that too. This is why she was so successful in daycare. She took on the role of a teacher. This is what she also did in school, however, when the school friends turned a certain age they did not appreciate Bailey’s leadership qualities. 

My daughter would mask herself whenever she had a play date, out with a family member she wasn’t close with, or social functions. I would be extremely nervous if my daughter was going somewhere without me just because her behavior was so unpredictable. However, I only received amazing compliments when she would return home. She knew how she was suppose to “act” while she was out of the home, and she did it. But it took a lot out of her. This was extremely confusing at the time, and this is where a lot of negative comments about my parenting would come in. I heard, “She acts perfect with me.” Meaning… I must let her get away with everything because she was great when out. I couldn’t have possibly done anymore with my daughter, I didn’t know why this was the case, it just was. I didn’t have answers for people. And I knew I was being judged. Either I would hear it directly from someone, or hear that there was talk about my parenting. 

Social masking took everything out of my daughter. I know this now. But for 6 years, my daughter used social masking as a way to have friends and fit in- do the “normal” things kids do. But it was confusing to others when she would be wild at home and calm out of the home. When my daughter was finished with a play date, or came home from school-it was a nightmare. Looking back, knowing what I know now… it is so heartbreaking how hard she had to work to fit in. She would have migraines after playing with friends or being in school; come home and explode. She had to hold herself together for so many hours during the day. She would still experience sensory issues, people were extremely hard on her, all of this she had to keep inside until she got home. To her safe place. At home, she could explode. She knew her parents would love her no matter what. She is a social masking pro now, and she is getting really good at controlling her emotions. She learned to do a lot on her own because she was not diagnosed until age 8. It amazing me how smart and resilient my daughter is. I think things are challenging for me, as her mother, (which they are), but I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels on the inside. She once told me it felt like there was a storm inside of her (before she was diagnosed). I feel like that is an amazing description because when she explodes- it is one of the most terrifying, draining experiences I have ever had. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what all of that would feel like, holding it all in when gone from home. My daughter is the strongest person I know. 

My daughter at age 5: 3 years away from becoming diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

The summer before my daughter started school was extremely challenging. She didn’t  know how to play by herself. Actually, she didn’t want to do any form of entertainment on her own. I even sat down and watched shows with her. Also, I was pregnant with our second child at this point. I remember being so tired.. just playing with my daughter because her type of play was so intense. She had/has an amazing imagination, however at this age she could not use her imagination for self entertainment. My daughter would say huge sentences about our role play, then ask me to repeat exactly what she said. I wasn’t allowed to be creative playing with her, it had to be what she wanted said, word for word. Then, she would role play, then again say, “Okay mom, now say this”. I would sit and play with her because it seemed as if this was the only way she could play. She would become frustrated if I wanted to say my own thoughts for the game or change what she said. It was a long summer. Lots of fun times had as well, however! I was thrilled to spend the summer with her as I was off on maternity leave. We worked on spelling her name, learning her address and phone number, things of this nature. She learned everything like this before school started! She is such a smart amazing girl! I was/am extremely proud of her. 

The first day of school came and my daughter couldn’t have been any happier! She was so excited for school. When she got home, she shared about her amazing day, new friends, she loved her teacher, and she was so excited to go back. The rest of the year went like this, in school. However, at home… it was completely the opposite. Because of this issue, there were people that thought because she was great in school, clearly I was doing something wrong at home. Comments like this, or unwanted recommendations towards my parenting, hurt. Why couldn’t anyone understand that I did not allow my daughter to act this way. I would get comments such as- she acted this way because I “let” her, I don’t give enough time outs. This was always a good one- she’s spoiled and gets whatever she wants (totally not true). But because nobody could “see her disability” and at this time I had no real help professionally… I had nothing to back up my way of parenting. It was such a battle. People expected my daughter to act a certain way because she looked a certain way. Throughout the school year she met so many nice friends, always had someone to play with, and everyone LOVED her. At the end of the school year, her teacher contacted me and told me that she noticed Bailey (continuously) being mean to her friends, like … really mean, and for no apparent reason. She thought this was strange because she was always so happy and social. This was when she really started to regress socially. It was now noticeable. She also started regressing with motor skills she already had, as well as her focus in sports/groups. 

The summer after the first year of school was very challenging. She (what I now know is regression) didn’t want to bathe herself much, she was getting very frustrated with her clothing and frequently needed help. Lots of (what I now know is anxiety). Also, so many sensory issues. I didn’t know this term then, it seemed as if she was trying to control situations, but looking back, she was trying to create an environment that was comfortable for her. She Wasn’t sleeping well at all, and would usually wake me up by 6:00 am, if not earlier- this was after she was already up throughout the night. It was getting increasingly harder for family members to deal with her. If someone told my daughter they were doing something with her and canceled, or told her one thing and then did another- my daughter would completely lose her mind. She couldn’t cope emotionally. I didn’t know this at the time, but she didn’t even know what she was feeling. A lot of unwanted advice came with that as well. People expected her to behave appropriately, and when she lost control of herself, instead of people being respectful and thinking of ways they could help- she was yelled at and made to fell as if it was her own fault. No one understood her besides me, and I didn’t even completely understand. She would only open up to me, so whatever she told me, I trusted. Most of the time- all of the time- she would tell the truth. It would be the other people adjusting the story. People would say she’s lying, but it was just how she interpreted the situation. One of the millions of things that amazes me about my daughter is that she is compelled to tell the truth! She doesn’t lie. (she is kind of learning how to know, however. But nothing serious)! She even tells on herself! The summer came, we had some challenging days, we had some amazing days. My daughter’s birthday is in the summer, so that summer we had a fun party with friends and family. I kept on her about her manners (words- she did great with, such as please and thank you, and your welcome). Unspoken rules about social interactions is what she was really struggling with at this point in time.

Although age 5 was a hard year, my daughter was happy. We dealt with issues as they came, she had lots of friends, she loved her new sister. I tried my best to teach her right from wrong, and to be there when she needed me. I thought this year was challenging- I had no idea what was in store for us over the next couple of years. 

Let’s talk depression.

Nothing could have prepared me for the depression I fell into when things really started to spiral out of control with our daughters behavior. We didn’t have the proper help for our daughter or ourselves, at this point in our life. I am a stay at home mom so I am the one with the kids (3) for the day. At the time I became depressed, I was nursing my one year old baby, our middle child was about 3 and our oldest (that has asd) just turned 7. My depression hit HARD. So much so, that I didn’t realize how badly depressed I was until I was able to put all the pieces together. It honestly took weeks for me to comprehend that I was severely depressed and that I needed to make an appointment with my doctor.   

It started off with me being very tired and sore all of the time. Everything I did made me tired. But I love being a mom. I cherish it with every part of my soul. I try and do all I can to teach my children and help them grow. I love doing art activities with my girls, getting messy, going for walks, visiting playgrounds, making slime with them, playing with their toys while we role play. However, very, very, slowly… I stopped doing so much. Or I would feel annoyed inside when my children asked to go to the playground for the second time that day. I never showed my children how I actually felt inside, they didn’t know how tired I was. They didn’t know that I was already completely worn out from just the morning. That was.. until they did notice.. a summer day of 2016. The day my depression wouldn’t allow me to leave my bed.

I was the mom who always brought in the baked goods to the class when there were class parties. The mom who has all the kids over for play dates, the wife who got up early and made her husband lunch, and the stay at home mom who kept the house clean. These were all things I actually enjoyed, and took pride in. Always on the go. However, along the way, I stopped doing things for myself, and totally fell out of love of who I was as a person. I no longer felt like doing my nails, taking a long bath, didn’t have the desire for a hair cut, I no longer wanted to do much of anything. Slowly, but steadily my depression was getting the best of me, and I couldn’t see how bad it was getting. My husband knew almost right away though- he saw it coming and tried to help. Thinking I had to do everything myself, there were times when I become defensive and thought, “why would people assume I need help and couldn’t do everything myself”.  Knowing that I could no longer do everything myself, however, I felt I needed to, I was also feeling embarrassed and alone. 

No one really knew how hard it was for me at home. Between the ages of 4-5, my daughter was spiraling out of control. Regressing, severe behavioral issues, didn’t sleep (which meant I didn’t sleep), the little girl I knew, was slipping away from me. I couldn’t do enough for her on my own, and we are still waiting to see a pediatrician at this point in life. We have two other children, so I also had to make sure they were safe, and happy as well. And it wasn’t easy. It took so much out of me daily just to keep on top of my daughters melt downs. Hoping to try and calm her before it was a full blown melt down. Their dad would keep the other kids away from their sister so they didn’t have to hear and see their sister struggling. I was the one who would tend to our daughters needs because I truly ‘got’ her, and I was a safe person for her to be around and take everything out on. She needed me to be that rock for her. She was able to let all of her troubles out in the form of violent behavior, anxiety issues, name calling, kicking and punching walls and doors. And I was the one who was present with her until the end so I could comfort her when she became tired emotional. It would take hours sometimes for a melt down to end. Sometimes I knew why she was upset, most of the time I had no idea what the issue was, other times I could somewhat guess, and try and figure it out piece by piece. My daughter could come communicate her feelings, and most of the time didn’t know the feeling she was feeling. It is one of the worst feelings in the world as a mom, not to be able to help my struggling daughter. There was nothing I could do except be there with her, without judgement, and be what she needed. When all was calm, I would try and switch off all feelings about what just occurred, and for the most part I could, but it was a very overwhelming process. In my mind… it was like- Okay that is over, now I needed to tune into my other children, cook supper, and so on. This would happen multiple times a day. Our oldest was in school during the day, and when she came home, usually right away there would be an emotional out burst. Everyday life became a challenge. Without any professional help, without a diagnosis… I was completely falling apart. I felt so alone.

With the help of my amazing family, they made appointments for me, and physically got me to the doctor. I opened up about how depressed I was, and my struggles trying to parent our oldest daughter. I realized it was time to start taking anti-depressant/ anxiety medication. After a short while, the medication started working and I was myself again. I let go of trying to make everything “perfect” and did what I could do, and didn’t push myself to do more or what I thought people expected me to do. After my oldest had a meltdown I could now switch modes (still a huge challenge) but I had the ability to still be present, be interactive with all my kiddos, and be the mom my children deserved.

You have to listen to your body. Your body will tell you when you have done too much. Do what you need to do for you. You are just as important as any other family member. You are not less of a mom because your house is not clean, or all of your laundry is not folded and put away. You are not less of a mom if you take a relaxing bath instead of playing kitty for the 15th time that day with your children. You are not less of a mom if you take care of yourself, and you are not a bad mom if you ask for help. I truly did not know this, and found out the hard way- just how important self care is. Honestly, I am still struggling with it. But it is so much better now that I set limits for myself, and set goals for myself. I will tell my kids, especially my daughter with asd, a specific time I will be doing something, or going somewhere. It allows for a time limit, they know that I am not being a ‘mean’ mom; because I gave them a heads up on what was going on and when. When you feel like you can’t take anymore- make sure someone knows. Talk to your doctor, talk to your spouse, friends, family, etc. It is okay to directly say to someone, ” I am feeling overwhelmed and I need help”. If medication is what you need, do that for yourself. You don’t have to take on everything alone. Find something that works well for YOU.  And something I’ve learned along the way… if you are direct, people want to help. People can’t guess what you are hinting at, or piece together what you they think you may need. Don’t let depression take over your life. Make time for yourself, and keep doing things that make you simply enjoy life. Once you learn to get over the challenges in a healthy way… life can be beautiful again. You are entitled to have a life, and not feel guilty about doing things for yourself.